Have you ever felt at one point in life that you don’t know what to believe in anymore? That the world around you is falling apart as you desperatley try to make sense of it all? That you don’t know what you thought you knew? I feel as though I have reached that point.
On a spiritual level, my entire concept of God has wavered, and this fundamental lack of spiritual peace has run over into other areas of my life. I find myself with constant questions of “Is God personal or impersonal?”, “Is God one or many?”, “How does an imperfect creation come from a perfect God?”, “Is everything I believe about God false?” I feel that many of the answers to questions of the Divine that Filianism provided me still leave me with the same doubts that my birth faith, Christianity, left me with.
Due to time constraints, I will give the first example that comes to mind for the time being regarding my struggle with doubt and cycnicism. The question of imperfection’s origin has ravaged my mind for some time now. In Filianism the origin of khear (that which keeps us from the Divine) is given in the following passage from The Holy Mythos:
1. But there was one that had not been shaped by Her, and that was neither Her daughter nor a creature of spirit. But it was the space between the fragments and the nothingness that had been before things were. It had neither power nor delight, but only weight. It had no shape, but could only coil and uncoil itself about the things that were. It was the snake, and it was not silver but black. 2. The snake hated all the things that had become, and hated the separation of the waters and the sky. It hated light and power, desiring all to be darkness and nothingness. 3. And when the world had lived a time in joy (though no one can say what that time was, for there were neither days nor nights, nor moons to tell the month), the snake came to the first of the daughters of the Mistress of All Things, and coiled about her feet and spoke to her: 4. “First of the daughters of creation, you have lived a time that cannot be counted, and have run for all that time in superfluity of strength, and have never known the sweetness of rest. Only embrace me and you shall have rest.” 5. For a long time she listened to the words of the snake. She did not know what rest might be, but knew that it was not of Her. 6. And yet so enticingly did the snake speak of the sweetness of rest, surpassing all delight, that at last she threw herself down and embraced the snake. 7. And because she was suffused with the delight of the Mistress of All Things, the snake immediately took on shape. 8. And its shape was like hers, but its body was filled with weight and was barren, for being not a creature of spirit, it had not the power of creation. 9. And at once she became tired with all the outpouring of her energy, for her energy was no longer boundless. 10. Though she desired to rest, but could not rest, and she spoke to the snake, saying: “Snake, what must I do now?” 11. And the snake said: “First daughter of creation, you must go to the Mistress of All Things and ask Her to make the world dark that you may rest.” 12. So she asked that of Her, and She darkened the world for a period that Her daughter might rest. This was the first night. (1:2:1-12)
The concept of something in the universe that is entirely uncreated by God, a sentient vacuum of sorts, is difficult for me to grasp. How is something entirely outside of the realm of Dea’s creation? Both the snake and Dea are uncreated beings. Some believers may not overthink matters as I do, or may say that I am being too literalistic in my interpretations of the Scriptures. But for me it is an important question, because the origin of where things went wrong is an important question if one believes that God is an eternally just, perfect, omnipotent superbeing. The Fall of Maid in Filianic Scripture is very similar to the Fall of Man in Biblical Scripture. Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) answer this paradox with the introduction of Satan, but I don’t really buy into that idea either. These religions view Satan as a creation of God who rebelled against Divine command and landed himself in Hell for the rest of eternity. But if God is the Perfect Creator of everything, how did an imperfect creation (the origin of sin, Satan) come from a perfect God?
I am a rationally minded individual, and it’s very difficult for me to accept apologetic phrases like “God works in mysterious ways”. Of course the universe is mysterious and far beyond human comprehension, but I am highly skeptical of claims of knowing things about the universe beyond what is logically discernable while covering illogical inconsistencies with apologetic statements like the one above. Perhaps I am a product of the times in which I live in. Perhaps I have not done enough soul searching. Perhaps I am a lost soul trying to make sense of this crazy world. The only thing I am sure of is that I don’t know.