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17. Will not your faults lay heavy on your soul that divide you from perfection? 18. And that you have frowned upon the laughter of My Mother, will that not cause you now to weep? 19. Let flow your tears, My children, for they are the beginning of joy. 20. For every tear of true repentance shall dissolve away a thorn, and it shall be as though it had not been. 21. But deep are the roots of the thorns, and beyond your power to destroy them, for they are the roots of death. 22. Therefore place your trust not in the power of your own hands, and be not raised up with the pride of self-possession, 23. but cast yourself down and give yourselves to Me in quiet humbleness. 24. To be raised up is to be cast down, but to be cast down is to be raised up. 25. For I was cast down into the very depths, and even as the tears of My Mother’s sorrow raised Me up from death, so shall the tears of My suffering deliver you. (The Temple of the Heart, The Filianic Scriptures)

demeter-mourning

In the past few years, especially this last one, I have brought so much negativity into my life through my poor decision making that I wonder how I ever managed to escape that lifestyle, to turn away from the vulgar and profane that damaged not only my body, but my soul. From the time I was thirteen years old, I was held psychologically enslaved to a manipulative, abusive man whom I conversed with over the Internet. When I turned eighteen, I could not deal with growing up and all the dramatic changes I was experiencing. He was a great comfort to me at that time and acted kind toward me as opposed to his usual cold cruelty. He encouraged me to come to his country so I could escape my troubles in my home land, promised me that he would take care of my heart, and I believed in him. Seven months later, I returned to my home country with PTSD, a broken arm, and bruising on not only my body, but on my soul. During that time of being held inside a locked apartment in a third world country, a part of me died. I toughened up my image and toughened up my heart. At one point in the past year, I was smoking, heavily drinking, swearing, and consorting with different men every weekend into the late hours of the night. I engaged in reckless behaviours that endangered my life, because I did not care whether I lived or died.

In March, I totaled my car by hitting a deer while driving home at night going at a ridiculously high rate of speed. I think that was the beginning to my realization that what I was doing with my life up to that point was destructive to not only myself, but everyone else around me. I made the final decision in May that I was finished with my lifestyle of recklessness and rebellion, that I needed to move forward if I ever wanted to heal from all that had been inflicted upon my spirit by myself and others. For the first time in a very long time, I feel I still have a reason to live, a purpose in life. I don’t want to throw away the precious life I have been given.

A verse from the Filianic scriptures stands out to me, that I will share here along with my thoughts:

11. The spirit in maid loves purity, yet her mind distracts her. The mind craves peace, yet it is made mad by the poisons. (The Clew of the Horse, The Filianic Scriptures)

The spirit in its natural state is pure and wholesome. Those who resort to vulgar amusements try to fill the void in their lives with drinking, drugs, and promiscuity. They feel so far away from Dea, even though She is as close to them as their jugular veins. True purpose and meaning in life cannot be found while carousing in bars. Rather, it is found through detoxing oneself of all the ugliness imposed by the world, all the poisons that contaminate one’s spirit. No matter how damaged your soul, no matter how much darkness as consumed your life, Dea as a loving Mother to her injured child will nurse your wounds, dust you off, and help you to stand back up, if only you will allow her into your heart and into your life. The moment I realized this is the moment I set out to change my ways.

lourdes

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